Hey all!

well i've been doing much better. I just needed to have faith in myself and what i'm capable of. i'm heading off to europe on saturday, so I'll probably have to make allowances for myself as i'll be in france etc...  but i'm so excited!

thanks for all of your support, let me know how everyone's doing!

xoxo ana

i seriously cannot wait to get out of this fucking house. i was being bad today and had some cheese its up in my room. not a big deal, right? i didn't think it was since it was the first thing i'd had all day besides tea. but my mom is a stickler for not having food up in my room. i abide by all of her other stupid, pointless rules, but not this one. it's my room. as long as i clean up afterwards, who the hell cares? so she goes into my room and pulls them out and goes "what is this? I thought you were trying to be HEALTHY now! no food up in your room. eat it downstairs!!! what is WRONG with you?" so i finally broke down and told her that i can't eat in front of her because no matter what it is, she acts so condescendingly. she just looks down upon me all the time. i told her that it's either i deal with her crap downstairs or i eat upstairs. she just goes "well if you would make better choices, it wouldn't be that way" oh shut the fuck up mom, you have no idea what i'm going though, do you? just because my whole family is thin and perfect doesn't mean that she can take it out on me. she has no idea what's going on in my life. she doesn't know that this is the only control i have over my life. she has no clue that the only way i can eat is if i don't eat in front of her. and you know what? if i NEVER EAT ANYTHING AT ALL, i'll die. so i have to eat something. anything. and that's what is available. it's not like i'm going to go and grab a piece of boiled chicken and eat that in my room. that's ridiculous. i don't have a fridge in my room so thus i cannot keep veggies and stuff up there, and if i did mom would still freak out. so yeah. she's going on about how it must be so exciting for me to go off to college to get away from her awful parenting. well...yeah basically it is. since my grandma passed away, she's never at home. now that it's summer i realize that she's home at lunch (when i'm not there) and at dinner and on, when i'm usually teaching lessons or out with friends. so i rarely ever get to see her, especially since i'm working. she never approves of any of my choices, so i don't know how i'm supposed to deal with that. thank GOD for my dad though. he's usually on my side. he realizes how strict mom is.

get this. my brother leaves home last night, goes out and doesn't tell anyone where he's going or who he's with. he's 15. when he comes home, mom does NOTHING. she just says "you should try and let us know where you'll be..." he does this kind of stuff all the time, and he NEVER gets punished. and here i am, 18 and an adult, and i get bitched at and screamed at for eating like 10 cheese its in my room. get a fucking life mother. and realize that the real problem isn't me. so yeah, i really can't wait to leave when i don't have her breathing down my back all the time. i swear...i'm not coming back from school except for christmas and summer because i have to. not like i want to spend more time around her. ARGHHHHHHH she's so clueless about my life right now...she doesn't even know who i am anymore. which is probably a good thing, because there are lots of things i don't want her to know.

moms are fuckers. seriously. i love my dad. and my brother. they're the only people in this seriously screwed up family that even give a shit about me.

xoxo ana

so...today has been going pretty well i must say. mom and dad both left before i did, so i didn't have to eat any breakfast. but at work...oh man. i work with a lady probably my mom's age and her mother in the back room. her mom is one of the nicest people i've ever met, but she keeps on bringing food into the back and laying it out for us. every time i comment on how good something looks, she tells me to have one. she goes "you look thinner every week. eat some crackers" so today i just had a few club sandwich crackers with cheese...about 150 cals. and i've been drinking so much water...it's been phenominal. i love water now. it fills me up to the point that it hurts my stomach to even think about food. when i got home from the passport place, i opened the food pantry without even thinking, because that's usually when i end up eating most of my food.  but HA i closed it because i realized i wasn't even hungry. hopefully i won't have to eat dinner because i have a doctor's appointment to get some stitches...i can pretend that i'm queasy from watching them stitch me up so i don't have to eat. and then i have a meeting at 7 tonight so yeah...that might be all i eat for the day. that would be wonderful!!

i ran 2 miles too. half of what i normally do, but i didn't have a lot of time today since i worked and then had to go to the post office etc. i'll do more tomorrow, since it's my day off. yay!

stay strong girls! we can do this!

xoxo ana

 (look at those hip bones!! amazing!

well i'm back. my friends found out, parents were called, so I stopped writing to appease them. but i realized how much i need ana to feel good. and screw the unsupportive people. i need this. if they can't see that then i'm not sure i really want to be around them. so far today i've just had a half serving of corn flakes. i'll be out the rest of today so hopefully that will deter me from eating anything else. i need to get back on track, and i know i can count on all of you lovely ladies for the support i need!!

Current Weight: 165
Grade: 12th
Hair Color/Style: blonde with red/caramel streaks. medium length w/ layers
Eye Color: blue
Fashion style: jeans and nice shirt...preppy but comfy and cute. and always rocking the stilettos
Age when developed eating disorder: 16

Highest Weight Selection
(all this stuff at your highest weight)
Highest weight: 175
When: 2 months ago
Largest Pant size: 14
Largest Shirt size: Large

Lowest Weight Selection
Lowest weight: 115
When: freshman year
Smallest Pant size: 4
Smallest Shirt size: medium
How did you get here: i was really really sick and had lots of surgeries and i couldn't eat anything...and then i fasted the rest of it off. i exercised like CRAZY too
How long did it take you: 4 months
Did friends Notice: they said it was nasty. i didn't care. my parents thought it was just because i was sick
Current Weight Selection
(what you are/want currently)
Ultimate Goal Weight: 125
Pant size: 6
Shirt size: medium
Celebrity Idol: mk, angelina jolie, lindsay lohan
Why: they're individual, they look amazing and they aren't dying, they just look good
Do your friends know about your eating disorder: a few do.
Do your parents know: No
How much do you usually eat a day: not a lot, but any is too much
Favorite Off Limits Food: Pizza
Favorite Candy Bar: take 5
Favorite Ana Food (what you allow yourself to eat): mandarin orange
Favorite fruits: apple, mandarin orange, tomato
Favorite Vegetable: lettuce and celery
Favorite Drink: water & diet coke for sure

xoxo ana